hopeless romantic

i never fall in love fully; always one foot on the ground; never playing the game of trust because i doubt you'd be there steady as rock to catch me. nothing to break my fall, just this one foot on the ground. keeps me balanced & rational because diving in with you would be completely the opposite-- loving you is as irrational as mumbers that when expressed have a decimal that is neither repeating nor ending, meaning it can't be expressed as a fraction; fractioning off my love for you into the smallest possible percentages. see my heart is ten times colder than three skinny bitches butt naked in alaska in the middle of january & the reason i always stand off and move aside is because the warmth you cause from within melts the polar ice cap that is my heart. i'm not scared, just dont wanna go through the bullshit. to be continued.

ihateyouFTangelhaze

full of shit, full of shit, full of shit-- full of shit you are. YOU.. are SOO full of shit! full of shit like a cows colon. i despise looking into your eyes, for this very reason-- you make me need all 50 billion white blood cells in my body just to fight off the sickness you cause in my stomach. when your ringtone plays, i automatically silence it, if i had a magical remote-- i'd silence your mouth too. because the truth is that sickness is butterflies and i silence your ringtone because it makes me smile uncontrollably and your voice sends shivers down my spine. but the reality is... i can't stand yo black ass. because those feelings dont wont arent and cant reciprocate on your end of the deal. the deal being-- want me like i want you.


& in reality i want you just as bad as you want me. maybe worse; id still love you if you hate me first. let me take these roles and play reverse. see i wanted you like dead people want to be revived. like dead souls want to be alive. like deaf people want to hear. like resolutions want new years and its a sad fucking shame that you cant see what those bright fucking eyes do to me. i wish you were blind to everything around you. i wish i were your aura and as i'd constantly surround you. id feel you - id feel you. the real you; ahh fulfill you. cause these halfstepping niggas left you half empty. sipping slow and waiting for refillswhile im waiting for the hills in your heart to space and part and all you can say is never fall in love for real and all i can do is agree with you. you are broken. you are such a mess but this brken record playing before me is unshamingly at her best. skipping & scratching but still keeps me bopping and clapping. heart high off your autotunes.


lying, your lying. broken i am; heart shattered like glass & even the heat of your love couldn't melt & mold the pieces back together-- but i still want you to try. the truth is-- the dead dont want to be alive, they're dead-- they dont want for anything. the deaf don't want to hear, thats politically incorrect--you wanting me that's just as incorrect. a lie like a promise one makes to themselves knowing they aren't going to keep it-- a lie to oneself like a new years resolution knowing damn well two months later you've long forgotten it-- just like you forget about me. forget about me like here one day gone the next. tugging at the strings that bind the remaining pieces of my heart together like a harp snapping one at a time.

really..

Honestly... I like you 300x better when you're naked. Id like to have conversations with lips that don't unfold to teeth. Face in the pillow the only sound I wanna hear is a muffled scream. I don't want you to say my name I want you to spell it out. The only relationship I want-- is sexual. I don't want to lead you on, come across as romantic; because the closest you'll get to candle lit dinner is mickie d's from me.

blaaah; my aim away message

i want a love like carrie & big ; will & jada ; barrack & michelle ... i want a love like shihan. i wanna love you. like stolen moments, like first bike rides, like the first lick of a favorite ice cream, like laying in the warm sunshine. jigga & beyonce love. small town timmy and tina mae love. innocent and real love. I wanna settle down, start a family and have the comfort of your love. I want that reach for the stars, I see fireworks when we kiss, you make my heart melt, love conquers all love. I want a love and basketball love, twilight love, do anything to be with you type love. I want a love like unconditional motherly love. A love so deep I get lost in it love, but you always seem to find me type love. I want a circle type love meaning it never ends type love. Pda type love. Kinky love. I wanna love you in a foreign language te amo or mahal kita love. Pinch me I think im dreaming love. Deal with your overbearing monster mom in law & love her too love. But lets be real... im never gonna find this love... so hopefully she finds me... ill be waiting yall...

high

you--are.. everything i love, everything i hate... all in one. you're like a swiss army pocket knife. perfect-- everything i could ever want-- yet, nothing i'm ever going to need ... i wanna get-- high.. off this cigarette. with eyes red, light headed, floating.. grabbing hand fulls of the stars i used to think aligned you & i... solitare; like the last cigarette in my box... i wanna inhale you into me- breathe you, be you, have you, to hold you... inside; of me. strung out.. using your sharp words to penetrate my mind like needles to arms; your love is heroine, the kind of shit that after one hit i'm dead & gone. no longer mine; i'm yours. taken over. no urge to fight my addiction because YOU are what i live for, yearn for, and fiend for... these .. cigarettes.. are my sanity. loneliness all feels the same. what i wanna know is would i have been better off never having? or having & then losing? why am i alone? when you claim i'm EVERYTHING you ever wanted... wanted not needed... i see it now. when i get the strength to leave you-- you always tell me that you need me & i'm weak cuz i believe you... but you NEVER needed me. YOU lie... like cigarette commercials with cartoons that catch the attention of innocent children thinking this SHIT is cool.. dude... & it's not. you should wear a surgeon general warning stamped on your forehead-- I CAUSE HEARTBREAK & WEAKENING OF THE SOUL. i didn't ask for this shit. exhale, pretty grey clouds... toxic but smelling so wonderful with the hint of cloves. see these djarums only get me so far...

to be continued

alone

what do you do when a home becomes just an apartment? when things you once knew become forgein. when waking up is the hardest part?.. you go to ask for direction, some kind of guidance but there's no one to turn to... and my mind is now stuck on pause... because it doesnt know how to respond to a broken heart. i'd never been in love before. never cared so much... and to be honest i didn't want to fall in love with you, let you in... for this exact reason. it always ends exactly how to starts... alone. i'm alone again and your gone. my heart breaks over and over with every slow song, picture of you, memory, and smell... when you leave, i cry. then become completely enraged with myself for having shed tears over somebody who just doesn't love me. how could i be so blind? how can i let you decide when it's time for me to leave? you tell me your not ready to let me go, but the fact of the matter is you already have. you left so long ago cobwebs have started to form in your spot nexta me. now they say time eases the pain of a broken heart-- then why am i still hurting? with every date you go on, girl you chill with; every so called "friendship" why am i still hurting? feeling like i took a shot the heart. nobody to hold,or to hold me; i don't want anybody else. yet you dont want me and i'm supposed to move on but i just cant seem to-- cant shake the feelings i have for you-- i know theres a trillion fish in the sea but none of em know where to touch me, what to say to make me smile, what to do when i cry... i used to think i was just upset because you left me.. but when reality hit me it hit me hard-- i never knew love. never met her before. never held hands with her or romanced her. until you... now she's laying where i once was. rubbing a back i used to scratch, staring into eyes i could look into for hours, kissing lips i made love to, holding hands i would cling to... and to you-- that's all okay because you have her cake & still get to eat mine too. you've told me time after time i'm sorry i'm hurting you but not sorry for what i'm doing... but what you don't realize is what you've done to me is deeper than just causing rivers cried & nausea filled stomachs. anything you ask for-- i provide it. i've literally givin you all of me & you took it all in vain not giving me the smallest piece of you in turn. if there were out of my system pills i would own a truck load of bottles and pop em every day breakfast brunch lunch snack and dinner. we chose names for the children we thought maybe we'd one day have. i never wanted any of these things. but now i want them all. want you so bad i need you. need you like my internal organs, like a religion needs followers, like ... like whitney needs crack. and i just dont understand how i can pour my heart out to you & in response get nothing. nothing at all. not even one of those one word responses that pisses me off. just silence. not silence because your taking it all in -- silence because it doesnt matter & your tired of hearing it. and i'm tired of loving you but i just cant help it. i've been committed; declared acquitted of all claims of not loving you. so now i'll make this commitment to myself. i'll remain strong and these saline tears shall cease. and the sickness in the pit of my stomach while your with her will turn into butterflies for how poetry makes me feel. because after all i only have me and these words. words who love me unconditionally.

cumWITHme

Night time is the hardest time. I can still smell you all up in my covers & the wounds from earlier worsen with every remaining thought of how they were received. I miss you, like kids miss home the first night of camp, like the earth misses the ozone layer and waking up, isn't easy without you. I roll over expecting to see your beautiful face, so i can continue counting where i left off-- the number of freckles on your right cheek-- then reality sets in & you're gone. This hollow feeling forms in my stomach and nausea sets in. tears begin to cloud my vision. id give anything and everything to have you again. have one more try. i know we have so many issues and conflicting views but-- trust that i love you more than the yesterday today and tomorrow... communication between us is that of rival gang members; full of anger and hate. how can you be so angry when all i'm trying to do is express just how much i love you. you're mad that i'm mad that you're with her. she's laying in my spot, listening to a heart that i thought beat for me. they say time eases the pain of a broken heart... but without you i have no heart. you took it with you the day you left. the day i begged. the day i wish i could forget. yesterday i made love to you. not only sexually but mentally. i know your body; like i know my own. i know what makes your eyes roll back, & i know where to kiss to make ya leg shake. you moaned; cum with me.. and i came.