alone

what do you do when a home becomes just an apartment? when things you once knew become forgein. when waking up is the hardest part?.. you go to ask for direction, some kind of guidance but there's no one to turn to... and my mind is now stuck on pause... because it doesnt know how to respond to a broken heart. i'd never been in love before. never cared so much... and to be honest i didn't want to fall in love with you, let you in... for this exact reason. it always ends exactly how to starts... alone. i'm alone again and your gone. my heart breaks over and over with every slow song, picture of you, memory, and smell... when you leave, i cry. then become completely enraged with myself for having shed tears over somebody who just doesn't love me. how could i be so blind? how can i let you decide when it's time for me to leave? you tell me your not ready to let me go, but the fact of the matter is you already have. you left so long ago cobwebs have started to form in your spot nexta me. now they say time eases the pain of a broken heart-- then why am i still hurting? with every date you go on, girl you chill with; every so called "friendship" why am i still hurting? feeling like i took a shot the heart. nobody to hold,or to hold me; i don't want anybody else. yet you dont want me and i'm supposed to move on but i just cant seem to-- cant shake the feelings i have for you-- i know theres a trillion fish in the sea but none of em know where to touch me, what to say to make me smile, what to do when i cry... i used to think i was just upset because you left me.. but when reality hit me it hit me hard-- i never knew love. never met her before. never held hands with her or romanced her. until you... now she's laying where i once was. rubbing a back i used to scratch, staring into eyes i could look into for hours, kissing lips i made love to, holding hands i would cling to... and to you-- that's all okay because you have her cake & still get to eat mine too. you've told me time after time i'm sorry i'm hurting you but not sorry for what i'm doing... but what you don't realize is what you've done to me is deeper than just causing rivers cried & nausea filled stomachs. anything you ask for-- i provide it. i've literally givin you all of me & you took it all in vain not giving me the smallest piece of you in turn. if there were out of my system pills i would own a truck load of bottles and pop em every day breakfast brunch lunch snack and dinner. we chose names for the children we thought maybe we'd one day have. i never wanted any of these things. but now i want them all. want you so bad i need you. need you like my internal organs, like a religion needs followers, like ... like whitney needs crack. and i just dont understand how i can pour my heart out to you & in response get nothing. nothing at all. not even one of those one word responses that pisses me off. just silence. not silence because your taking it all in -- silence because it doesnt matter & your tired of hearing it. and i'm tired of loving you but i just cant help it. i've been committed; declared acquitted of all claims of not loving you. so now i'll make this commitment to myself. i'll remain strong and these saline tears shall cease. and the sickness in the pit of my stomach while your with her will turn into butterflies for how poetry makes me feel. because after all i only have me and these words. words who love me unconditionally.

cumWITHme

Night time is the hardest time. I can still smell you all up in my covers & the wounds from earlier worsen with every remaining thought of how they were received. I miss you, like kids miss home the first night of camp, like the earth misses the ozone layer and waking up, isn't easy without you. I roll over expecting to see your beautiful face, so i can continue counting where i left off-- the number of freckles on your right cheek-- then reality sets in & you're gone. This hollow feeling forms in my stomach and nausea sets in. tears begin to cloud my vision. id give anything and everything to have you again. have one more try. i know we have so many issues and conflicting views but-- trust that i love you more than the yesterday today and tomorrow... communication between us is that of rival gang members; full of anger and hate. how can you be so angry when all i'm trying to do is express just how much i love you. you're mad that i'm mad that you're with her. she's laying in my spot, listening to a heart that i thought beat for me. they say time eases the pain of a broken heart... but without you i have no heart. you took it with you the day you left. the day i begged. the day i wish i could forget. yesterday i made love to you. not only sexually but mentally. i know your body; like i know my own. i know what makes your eyes roll back, & i know where to kiss to make ya leg shake. you moaned; cum with me.. and i came.